Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 10:13:59 GMT
Late Night Nonsense: The Fat Asses of NBADSL
Welcome to Late Night Nonsense, where we are so tired that we have no idea what we are talking about and neither should you. On nights when little to no sleep is guaranteed, we bring you some of the weirdest stories and facts that we can find about the NBADSL. In such a historic league full of characters, there is bound to be something of little importance that is just crazy enough to want to wrap our heads around.
Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your snacks, because in this edition of late night nonsense with NBADSL statistics, we are going to feed the beast. Literally! We have compiled a list of some of the fattest NBADSL players in the game today. A few of them are pretty muscular, some are a little chubby and others are big fat whales. Many of them use this additional weight to their benefit and others cannot huff their way across the court to play minutes in this league. Be afraid; be very afraid, because they are coming for you… well maybe for your pantry.
1. Priest Lauderdale C – 343 Pounds, BMI 31.1
God damn this fucker is huge. He is as big as a bull and as Hagrid from the world of Harry Potter. While Priest Lauderdale might be tall, 343 pounds makes him one of only two players in the league classified as obese and this does not bode well for the young 22 year old center. He has no attributes currently that show he has the ability to stay in this league outside of his current contract. However he may be picked up in the future as a novelty. For the time being however, his biggest impact for the Timberwolves is on the buffet line. All we can say is that the Wolves should look into deducting the price of food from his contract as he was like late comedian John Pinette, but 7'4". Who knows how large he will be when he exits this league.
2. Jahidi White C – 290 Pounds, BMI 31.1
Jahidi White, congratulations! You are so freaking fat, you are classified as one of only two obese players in the NBADSL. And you are only a rookie! Keep eating and you will roll down the court with the most imposing defense ever seen. In all seriousness, it is not all bad for young center Jahidi White. He was one of the last players selected in the 2040 NBA Draft and was not signed by the Los Angeles Clippers. He was signed by the Wizards, cut by the Wizards, signed by the Rockets for the MLE, and traded back to the Wizards. As it stands, he is the highest paid rookie in the NBADSL. Not bad for the guy tied for the most obese player in the league by BMI calculations.
3. Predrag Drobnjak** C – 290 Pounds, BMI 29.6
The youngest player on this list is Predrag Drobnjak and he is also the first free agent to make the list. Predrag is an undrafted free agent and will likely join the ranks of Priest Lauderdale and Jahidi White as obese if he does not latch on a team soon. As a player Predrag does not really offer much. He is pretty tall and has average rebounding ability and he really is not necessarily terrible in any attribute. Predrag is the epitome of a marginal player and odds are great that he will remain that for the duration of his career. Hopefully he can sign a couple minimum year deals in his career before he retires so coming to the NBADSL will be worth it for him even though he will be long forgotten in a basketball sense.
4. John Thomas C – 275 Pounds, 29.5
Our second free agent on this list is quite possibly the worst fatty of them all as we do not anticipate any team signing him unless they are going into complete tank mode. And why would anyone want to sign him? He is a center that cannot rebound, defend, score, block, or eat a regularly sized meal. While he is on the list this year, he likely will not make it through the chopping block for the next few seasons as the free agent class shrinks to accommodate the new players that will be coming into the league. Poor John Thomas, lets hope you don't see him in front of you in a McDonalds drive through driving a Ford Pinto clearing out the restaurant. Oddly specific we know, but being stuck behind a heavy order at any drive thru is hell on earth. Especially if the guy in front of you is fat and 6'9".
5. Shaquille O'Neal C – 301 Pounds, BMI 29.3
Big Diesel, Big Cactus, Big Aristotle, Big Daddy, Big Shamrock, The Big Galactus, The Big Banana, etc. What do all these nicknames share? That Shaquille O'Neal is one big ass mother. He is also the best player on this list and quite possibly one of the best big men ever to play in this league. Unfortunately the big Big BIG man has never had the chance yet to win a championship after playing his first six miserable years in the league for the Philadelphia 76ers. Now he is playing for his third team, the Los Angeles.... Clippers. The Clippers being in the West will likely give him a much better chance to win a championship in the future. However, the Clippers, like twelve other teams in the league, have not yet won a championship.
6. Vitaly Potapenko C – 280 Pounds, BMI 29.3
Okay so maybe it is his height, but doesn't Vitaly look too skinny to be on this list? I mean we can see his Adam's apple protruding from his neck. So this scrub for the Nuggets is a little bit of a head scratcher. This has lead us to ask several questions. Does a person's height make them look skinny? Are Europeans more dense than your typical American NBADSL player? Is Vitaly Potapenko a competitive eater only weighing in after a competition? What will it take for entrapy to feature these Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms again (Even though Vitaly never played for the Cavaliers)? These questions will have no barring on the future of this league, but for someone so inconsequential, we had to have something to talk about.
7. Joe Caldwell SG – 226 Pounds, BMI 28.2
Looking like everyone's grandpa or old uncle at only 33 years young, Joe Caldwell comes in as the shortest player on this list at 6 foot, 3 inches. Yes, Caldwell is the only guard to make the top ten list in the league. This is because on average he carries 25 pounds more than anyone his height giving him a very high body mass index of 28.2. Caldwell has been a career bench player and that isn't a bad thing. He has always fielded pretty large amounts of money each season for his outside shooting ability and pretty stand up defense. Fat as he may be, he has made more in his career than many of these trolls will ever make.
8. Greg Ostertag C – 280 Pounds, BMI 27.9
D is supposed to be Ostertag's specialty, but from this picture I would believe that it stands for his cup size. The 22 year old has not played much in his career, so we have no real gauge if he will be as defensively savvy as it is presumed, but if this picture is any indication, sitting on the bench has resulted him to gain massive amounts of weight. We have requested in passing to have Greg step on a scale for us, but he declines each time. So for now, Greg rests only in the eight spot of this list, but we do believe if we were able to get a weigh in, Gregory would easily make it into the top three with Priest Launderdale and Jahidi White.
9. Deion Hart C – 276 Pounds, BMI 27.5
We could not find any recent picture of Deion Hart, but we can tell you one thing, after his gastric bypass surgery, Hart has lost a metric shit-ton of weight. Years before Deion entered the league in 2032, he weighed more than 450 pounds. Somehow the seven footer was able to shed almost 200 pounds to find his way into the early second round of the draft, selected by the Golden State Warriors. Deion has gone on to be quite a journeyman playing for seven teams already and he is only 31. Hart has never been terribly effective in this league due to the fact that he cannot rebound, but has been a solid bench piece over the years and will continue to stay there.
10. Bryant Reeves C – 275 Pounds, BMI 27.4
This list would not be complete without Big Country himself, Bryant Reeves. After substantial weight loss (A whooping 17 pounds!), Reeves finds himself at the bottom of the fatty list. This doesn't diminish his presence however. Reeves decided to lose this weight after teaming up with Big Daddy Shaq. He now prefers to go by the title "Sorta Big Country", but I think we all agree that his wishes will not be granted. Bryant Reeves is the least fat of the fat guys and he should be proud, because without guys like Oliver Miller in the league, he used to be the one we looked to for fatness.
Welcome to Late Night Nonsense, where we are so tired that we have no idea what we are talking about and neither should you. On nights when little to no sleep is guaranteed, we bring you some of the weirdest stories and facts that we can find about the NBADSL. In such a historic league full of characters, there is bound to be something of little importance that is just crazy enough to want to wrap our heads around.
Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your snacks, because in this edition of late night nonsense with NBADSL statistics, we are going to feed the beast. Literally! We have compiled a list of some of the fattest NBADSL players in the game today. A few of them are pretty muscular, some are a little chubby and others are big fat whales. Many of them use this additional weight to their benefit and others cannot huff their way across the court to play minutes in this league. Be afraid; be very afraid, because they are coming for you… well maybe for your pantry.
1. Priest Lauderdale C – 343 Pounds, BMI 31.1
God damn this fucker is huge. He is as big as a bull and as Hagrid from the world of Harry Potter. While Priest Lauderdale might be tall, 343 pounds makes him one of only two players in the league classified as obese and this does not bode well for the young 22 year old center. He has no attributes currently that show he has the ability to stay in this league outside of his current contract. However he may be picked up in the future as a novelty. For the time being however, his biggest impact for the Timberwolves is on the buffet line. All we can say is that the Wolves should look into deducting the price of food from his contract as he was like late comedian John Pinette, but 7'4". Who knows how large he will be when he exits this league.
2. Jahidi White C – 290 Pounds, BMI 31.1
Jahidi White, congratulations! You are so freaking fat, you are classified as one of only two obese players in the NBADSL. And you are only a rookie! Keep eating and you will roll down the court with the most imposing defense ever seen. In all seriousness, it is not all bad for young center Jahidi White. He was one of the last players selected in the 2040 NBA Draft and was not signed by the Los Angeles Clippers. He was signed by the Wizards, cut by the Wizards, signed by the Rockets for the MLE, and traded back to the Wizards. As it stands, he is the highest paid rookie in the NBADSL. Not bad for the guy tied for the most obese player in the league by BMI calculations.
3. Predrag Drobnjak** C – 290 Pounds, BMI 29.6
The youngest player on this list is Predrag Drobnjak and he is also the first free agent to make the list. Predrag is an undrafted free agent and will likely join the ranks of Priest Lauderdale and Jahidi White as obese if he does not latch on a team soon. As a player Predrag does not really offer much. He is pretty tall and has average rebounding ability and he really is not necessarily terrible in any attribute. Predrag is the epitome of a marginal player and odds are great that he will remain that for the duration of his career. Hopefully he can sign a couple minimum year deals in his career before he retires so coming to the NBADSL will be worth it for him even though he will be long forgotten in a basketball sense.
4. John Thomas C – 275 Pounds, 29.5
Our second free agent on this list is quite possibly the worst fatty of them all as we do not anticipate any team signing him unless they are going into complete tank mode. And why would anyone want to sign him? He is a center that cannot rebound, defend, score, block, or eat a regularly sized meal. While he is on the list this year, he likely will not make it through the chopping block for the next few seasons as the free agent class shrinks to accommodate the new players that will be coming into the league. Poor John Thomas, lets hope you don't see him in front of you in a McDonalds drive through driving a Ford Pinto clearing out the restaurant. Oddly specific we know, but being stuck behind a heavy order at any drive thru is hell on earth. Especially if the guy in front of you is fat and 6'9".
5. Shaquille O'Neal C – 301 Pounds, BMI 29.3
Big Diesel, Big Cactus, Big Aristotle, Big Daddy, Big Shamrock, The Big Galactus, The Big Banana, etc. What do all these nicknames share? That Shaquille O'Neal is one big ass mother. He is also the best player on this list and quite possibly one of the best big men ever to play in this league. Unfortunately the big Big BIG man has never had the chance yet to win a championship after playing his first six miserable years in the league for the Philadelphia 76ers. Now he is playing for his third team, the Los Angeles.... Clippers. The Clippers being in the West will likely give him a much better chance to win a championship in the future. However, the Clippers, like twelve other teams in the league, have not yet won a championship.
6. Vitaly Potapenko C – 280 Pounds, BMI 29.3
Okay so maybe it is his height, but doesn't Vitaly look too skinny to be on this list? I mean we can see his Adam's apple protruding from his neck. So this scrub for the Nuggets is a little bit of a head scratcher. This has lead us to ask several questions. Does a person's height make them look skinny? Are Europeans more dense than your typical American NBADSL player? Is Vitaly Potapenko a competitive eater only weighing in after a competition? What will it take for entrapy to feature these Cleveland Cavaliers uniforms again (Even though Vitaly never played for the Cavaliers)? These questions will have no barring on the future of this league, but for someone so inconsequential, we had to have something to talk about.
7. Joe Caldwell SG – 226 Pounds, BMI 28.2
Looking like everyone's grandpa or old uncle at only 33 years young, Joe Caldwell comes in as the shortest player on this list at 6 foot, 3 inches. Yes, Caldwell is the only guard to make the top ten list in the league. This is because on average he carries 25 pounds more than anyone his height giving him a very high body mass index of 28.2. Caldwell has been a career bench player and that isn't a bad thing. He has always fielded pretty large amounts of money each season for his outside shooting ability and pretty stand up defense. Fat as he may be, he has made more in his career than many of these trolls will ever make.
8. Greg Ostertag C – 280 Pounds, BMI 27.9
D is supposed to be Ostertag's specialty, but from this picture I would believe that it stands for his cup size. The 22 year old has not played much in his career, so we have no real gauge if he will be as defensively savvy as it is presumed, but if this picture is any indication, sitting on the bench has resulted him to gain massive amounts of weight. We have requested in passing to have Greg step on a scale for us, but he declines each time. So for now, Greg rests only in the eight spot of this list, but we do believe if we were able to get a weigh in, Gregory would easily make it into the top three with Priest Launderdale and Jahidi White.
9. Deion Hart C – 276 Pounds, BMI 27.5
We could not find any recent picture of Deion Hart, but we can tell you one thing, after his gastric bypass surgery, Hart has lost a metric shit-ton of weight. Years before Deion entered the league in 2032, he weighed more than 450 pounds. Somehow the seven footer was able to shed almost 200 pounds to find his way into the early second round of the draft, selected by the Golden State Warriors. Deion has gone on to be quite a journeyman playing for seven teams already and he is only 31. Hart has never been terribly effective in this league due to the fact that he cannot rebound, but has been a solid bench piece over the years and will continue to stay there.
10. Bryant Reeves C – 275 Pounds, BMI 27.4
This list would not be complete without Big Country himself, Bryant Reeves. After substantial weight loss (A whooping 17 pounds!), Reeves finds himself at the bottom of the fatty list. This doesn't diminish his presence however. Reeves decided to lose this weight after teaming up with Big Daddy Shaq. He now prefers to go by the title "Sorta Big Country", but I think we all agree that his wishes will not be granted. Bryant Reeves is the least fat of the fat guys and he should be proud, because without guys like Oliver Miller in the league, he used to be the one we looked to for fatness.
